For someone who says they have a near-perfect life, I get mad a lot. At my husband. At myself. At my friends. At my kids. Why aren’t they giving me what I want and need? Don’t they love me? Have I, after all, gone down the wrong path, and now I’m surrounded by people who don’t really care about me, and now I’m destined to be taken for granted, an afterthought, mindlessly serving food for an eternity? Who really cares about what I have to say? Geez, do I even have anything to say anymore?
So let’s talk about what we give to others, and what we ask for ourselves. Because when I really think about it, after my brave words yesterday, I realize that I still don’t really ask for what I need, on a day to day basis–instead, I expect that others should “just know” what I need, and instinctively give it to me because I’ve worked hard enough to deserve it, dammit!
And if they’re not magic mind readers? Well, clearly they never loved me anyway and this was all a tragic mistake and fuck those jerks!
Let me say this: I love, love, love staying home with Sarah and Sid. This is a treasured time that is once in a lifetime. But my grownup time is severely limited, and I’m spending the bulk of my time giving to children who are not equipped–and cannot be expected–to take care of my emotional needs.
And that is hard. Not earning money is hard. Having a husband who works a lot is hard. Asking him to take time away from work to tend to me (when my own sense of self-worth is steadily diminishing), when he’s the only wage earner, is extremely hard. Also, I made a pie yesterday that kind of sucked. Pie is hard!
But I’ve come to the realization that my anger and frustration aren’t really helping the issue–letting things build up leads to venting, which leads to guilt, which causes me to shove my needs aside, which then resets the cycle anew.
So. On top of meal planning, and breastfeeding, and diaper changing, and listening to 2.5 hours of talk about Minecraft every day, I’m going to think about one concrete, sustainable thing I need every day. And I’m going to ask for it in a calm, reasonable manner. Hopefully.
What do you need today?