Mock Pizza Hot Dog Salad

The Secrets of “The Stuff”

 

Mock Pizza Hot Dog Salad

The Stuff on hamburger buns, because we’re classy like that!

Because it’s the holidays and I love you, I’m about to let you in on a horrifying family secret. One that if you are brave enough to attempt for yourself, you will thank me for. In secret!

Okay. When my brother and I were little, our Grandma Benge used to make us something she called “Mock Pizza,” and BJ and I dubbed “The Stuff.” It was cheesy and melty and meaty and indescribably delicious—we couldn’t get enough of it, and we begged our mother to make it. For a long time she denied knowing anything about it, but our will (and appetite) was strong, and we wore her down.

Now usually, when I get to this part of the story, the listeners lean forward, ready to hear about some charmingly rustic, vintage recipe. That’s when I say,

“You take a pound of hot dogs, a pound of Velveeta, half a red onion, and mayonnaise, and grind them into a paste.” Looks of betrayal, panic, and revulsion soon follow.

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What? It’s delicious!

But trust me! Spread this, um, delightful concoction (a cousin to such delights as ham salad) on sliced French bread and put it under the broiler—or, to be super special, spread it on refrigerated crescent-roll dough, roll ’em up, and bake them according to package directions—and you will be rewarded with one of the most delicious treats you will ever be lucky enough to eat! It’s pure alchemy!

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Okay, this photo is a little gross. Just trust me!

The red onion is my innovation (my Grandma Benge used pimentos), but you could make your own adjustments: I imagine pickles, olives, and other add-ins would be very tasty!

The Stuff, aka Grandma Benge’s Mock Pizza

You need:

 

1 pound hot dogs (whatever your favorite is), cut into 1-inch chunks
1 pound Velveeta, cut into 1-inch chunks
1/2 medium red onion, diced
1/2-1 cup mayonnaise, to taste

Mix the first three ingredients in a bowl, then run it through the coarse setting of a meat grinder or pulse it in a food processor. You want it to be spreadable but not totally smooth. Stir in mayonnaise to taste!

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The Stuff ready for action! And the apocalypse.

To use: Spread on baguette slices, hamburger buns, etc., and place under the broiler. Broil until the cheese melts and it gets a little browned. Delicious!

Alternately, you can spread refrigerated crescent roll dough with The Stuff, roll them up, and bake according to package directions. Warning: let them cool a little so you don’t burn off the top of your mouth with molten meat-cheese paste.

Add this to your next holiday get-together and delight your guests! Maybe just don’t tell them what they’re eating!

Do you have secret special holiday family recipes to share? Post them below!

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White Christmas Cross Stitch Embroidery

Happy Wednesday! Holiday Best

White Christmas Cross Stitch Embroidery

White Christmas cross-stitch! I’ll post the pattern soon.

Happy . . . Wednesday? Did you know I thought today was Tuesday? Which makes no sense, because yesterday (Tuesday) I was woken up by a call from the dentist wondering where I was–I blew it because I thought my appointment was Wednesday. Which is today.

So my usual Happy Monday blog is two days late–I suck! Unfortunately, I’ve had doctor’s appointments (for me), calls to Poison Control (for Sarah), and Christmas preparations distracting me. But I thought I’d at least put together a quick “best of” list for the holidays.

Best Christmas Movie: White Christmas. This is a fantastic film in the “Let’s put on a show!” genre of the past. The best part is the bromance between former WWII army buddies-turned Broadway entertainers played by Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, who put on said show to save their former general’s Vermont inn from going under when snow fails to arrive for the winter. If this movie were made today, the movie would end with “Bob” and “Phil” realizing they’re each others’ soul mates, instead of pairing off with two sisters. But! The songs! The costumes! The witty dialogue!

Even better, White Christmas is available on Netflix streaming, so you can watch it right now! As you can see from the picture above, I actually created a White Christmas cross stitch pattern. I’m going to finish it this week and post the pattern for you all–my only issue is that it was an Excel document, and  of course I only have Numbers now on my Mac and . . . it sucks. I’ll get it going for you guys.

In the meantime, my favorite scene from White Christmas is below. Danny Kaye and Vera Ellen are such a pleasure to watch, and Rosemary Clooney’s line at 3:40 slays me!

Best Drunk Recaps of ABC Family Holiday Movies: My friend Alex Cox did a hilarious 12 Days of Christmas (. . . As Told by ABC Family) over at his World of Awesome blog last year. He did some super funny recaps of “classics” like Snow (starring The Flash‘s Tom Cavanagh) and Desperately Seeking Santa (starring Smallville‘s Laura Vandervoort). It looks like he didn’t make it past Day 5, because . . . Tori Spelling. But still. Worth a read.

Best Holiday China: This, of course, is Lenox’s Holiday china. It says “holiday” right in the name, folks! I’ve been slowly collecting sets of this for four years (with my lovely mother adding a place setting each year) and mixing it with my Lenox Eternal china (my wedding china) for larger dinners. If you follow me on Twitter, you’ll see I’ve been using Holiday every day in December and posting pics. I lead an exciting life.

Lenox Holiday China

Lenox Holiday china with greek yogurt and granola. Christmassy!

Best Christmas Cookie: I already said this in my Five Cookies You Meet at Christmas post, but again: Southern Living‘s slice-and-bake cranberry-orange shortbread.

Best Christmas Appetizer That I Haven’t Actually Made Yet: So, I think I mentioned I read Winter Street by Elin Hilderbrand on my trip East last month to my sister-in-law’s wedding? It was an airport book. So it was basically an ABC Family holiday movie in book form, but it had some great descriptions of a holiday party, including several appetizers, including something called a Salted Almond Pinecone, which intrigued me. I looked into it: it’s basically a cheese ball with almonds, which sounds fantastic, and which I’m going to make for my holiday party this year.

Hopefully these very important links will bring you some joy this holiday season. My other piece of advice: do not let your baby play with a “child proof” bottle of infant ibuprofen while you change her diaper, because she’ll probably open it, drenching herself with it, resulting in the above-mentioned call to Poison Control. She’s fine, I’m an idiot.

So what are your holiday favorites? Post them below!